Try to love the questions themselves

I’ve run into a snag on the phoenix project. I started predrafting my fiber to loosen it up and also to allow me to spin directly from the end of the roving. However, the change in fiber prep method has also changed the diameter of my “default” yarn. Instead of 7,000 yards per pound as it was before, it’s now averaging almost 10,000 yards per pound. That’s about 30% thinner than it was! That will definitely be a problem for my scarf design.

Here’s a picture of my three skeins so far:

Skein 1 (the dark brown one) was spun using my earlier method (spinning off the fold), and is 7100 yards per pound.

Skeins 2 and 3 (top two) were spun using the second approach (predrafting fiber and then spinning off the end), and average about 10,000 yards per pound.

This makes nice hash out of all my calculations. At this point there are two things I could do:

(1) spend some time figuring out how to spin a consistent 7,000 ypp yarn, then start over

(2) keep going, and accept that the yarn is going to be much finer than anticipated (and possibly different diameter from skein to skein).

I’m thinking that I will just keep going.

This is a bit of a departure for me. Usually I start with a vision, then plan and execute a project around the vision. Lots of side trips and changes along the way, but I always keep the vision in mind. I also like to keep tight technical control over my work.

But this project is a phoenix project, meaning it isn’t about achieving a goal. In fact, it is very specifically NOT about achieving a goal. It’s about letting go of all the old goals, ideas, and relationships, opening up to possibility, and eventually discovering new things (and a new life!) to replace what went before.

So I think I’m going to do something very out of character: embrace process over product, and simply spin up the rest of the yarn without worrying about what it will become. I’ll play with some ideas, sure, but until I have a better idea of what is coming down the pike, there’s no point in planning too far ahead. So I’m just going to enjoy spinning for however long it takes to spin all four ounces. At that point the future will be less murky and I can decide what comes next.

This meandering matches my plans for my future. I have no idea where I’m going to live six months from now. In fact, I am working very hard at NOT figuring out where I’m going to live six months from now. This is extremely uncomfortable for me, because I am the sort of person who likes to have everything decided. I was a professional project manager – being decisive was my job for twenty years.

But I want to hold open space to rediscover things, to allow Future Me to have possibilities and choices that are different from what Past and Present Me would choose. So I am going to shake things up by resolutely refusing to commit Future Me to anything right now. It is rare that life gives us a chance to do a complete reset. I have had that privilege a few times, and I don’t want to waste that opportunity now.

This reminds me of one of my favorite quotations:

“You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart, and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.

Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

– Rainier Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet, Stephen Mitchell translation

So with the phoenix, I am planning to sit with the project now. Walk and spin for forty days, or however long it takes. See what it wants to become.

I think there will be lots of potential, though. Here are the color gradients in the most recent two skeins. Beautiful, and full of becoming.