Waiting for the next big thing

Been twiddling around with knitting samples for my entrelac lace travel shawl, trying to figure out what yarn and needles I want to use.  I’ve also been weaving a bit on my loom, but sort of half-heartedly.  I feel like a lady-in-waiting: the next big thing is coming up, it’s just not clear (yet) what it will be.

I haven’t decided what to do about the book, or AIDS Lifecycle for that matter.  I’m once again torn between really wanting to get rid of this albatross and being not…quite…able to get rid of this baby.  I’m also not sure whether I’ll ride ALC this year.  If I do ride, this will definitely be my last year.  But do I want to ride?  I don’t know.  Some part of me wants to be done with the whole mess, some part of me wants closure.  It’s hard to walk away!

And yet I feel that it’s the right thing, that there’s something waiting around the corner for me, something new to dive into.  I just don’t know what, yet.

One interesting “something” that chance has put into my way is a variant on Habitat for Humanity.  I got an email from the Project Management Institute’s mailing list saying that  the local organization that builds houses for low-income people is looking for captains to help supervise/coordinate building buildings.  This seems like it would be fun, and also a potential venue to finding “the next thing”.  I may sign up after my return from Ghana.

Isis and Astarte are gone, both to a gentleman in San Jose who has extensive experience with snakes.  I feel guilty at having parted with them, mostly because I have no idea what will happen to them now, but I also feel relieved.  I did do a fairly extensive interview with the guy before agreeing to let him take them, so I am fairly well convinced that he does know how to care for Brazilian rainbow boas, and that they’ll be well-treated where they currently are.  I just wish I could attach a note to their nonexistent collars saying “If you ever decide you can’t care for or need help with medical bills etc., call ______”.

Well. That’s done.

I am thinking about how I want to shape my life next.  B. is a big part of it – I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone that I thought might last for a lifetime (certainly I never expected my (brief) marriage to last forever), so that’s a big change for me.  Another big change is thinking about having children.  Never really thought seriously about that before.  Not in the next few years, certainly, but over time…?

Partly I’m thinking more in the long term.  Previously, I’d thought mostly in the short term, partly due to just being young, but partly also because of the uncertainty of how long I would live (or would want to live).  Lately I’ve started thinking that I might live a natural lifespan (primarily because the bipolar medications have been working very effectively for a few years now), so I’m starting to think I might reach my “golden years”.  B. is part of that as well…with a partner I’m much more stable than without one, and the fact that he thinks in the long term encourages me to do so as well.  I can see being with him forty years from now.  Wow, that makes everything look totally different.

Anyway, we’ll see how that shapes out.  Meanwhile, I wait, explore, and ready myself for the next Big Thing.